Dear Black woman:

I Love you! To be honest, I think I lust after you! I sometimes truly wish I was Jacob Zuma or King Mswati, so that I could marry as many of you as possible and say it is my culture.

I truly think my black women are so beautiful, that I cannot truly see myself being with any other woman. I spend a significant amount of my time just looking at how beautiful God made you. It is not just me, it’s most of my black brothers. We almost break our necks each day trying to get a clear view of your unique engrossing body!
I am convinced you are beautiful, my fellow black brothers are convinced you are beautiful, you should hear how we try to outdo each other trying to explain your curves to each other. However YOU DON’T SEEM CONVINCED THAT YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL. Let me tell you why. Why do some of you feel the need to shave off your beautiful eyebrows and paint on some skewed, weird lines where your eyebrows used to be? We love your eyes, we love getting lost in them. There is no pool so enchanting as the brown eyes of an African queen… Could we, as your loving brothers, kindly request that you stop this silly and ridiculous habit of shaving off your lovely eyebrows to replace them with alien lines, with unnatural slants!

Secondly, we love African hair… There is nothing as refreshing as seeing a black woman rocking her natural crown. We love braids and locks too. But, please believe me, we are not that crazy about the weave. We don’t like the fakeness of the look, the grease, hell the cost of the look. It seems like a downgrade of your own hair. Then, it falls apart so quick; brooms get clogged up with weave strands … and that’s just gross. It also gets old so fast, you spend more days looking like a hobo … unless you are rich and can afford Brazilian weaves. Even then, it’s weird and unsavoury for us to put our hands through some chick’s hair we don’t know, really!

But, here is the big problem with weaves … when we see you wearing all those mats on your heads, no matter what you may say, it says to us, and to young girls, you don’t believe in the beauty of own kind so much so you spend thousands trying to be like the Indian women, the Brazilian women, the white women … any woman really BUT THE BLACK WOMAN – we don’t get that. We like the black woman, as God made her.

And for those of you are considering lightening your skin. Don’t believe the adverts, songs and magazines. African men love brown women. They scream African sensuality, and exude an erotica that is hard to explain but easy to understand. That chocolate skin creates an insatiable appetite in the loins of an African man (And if they are honest, every other man). So stay brown, stay dark, stay on top of your throne, and wear your crown.

The one thing I am trying to say, I guess, is this … GOD MADE YOU EXTREMELY BEAUTIFUL JUST THE WAY YOU ARE. We already know it as men. We just want you to know that we would rather have you stay original, African and beautiful, than these weird African dolls trying to be western!

With love

Your concerned brother

Mighti Jamie